You will feel a love beyond imagining

Journal entry 8 May 2016

This journal entry starts out as a rant where I’m spewing my wrong minded thoughts and emotions onto the page. I then start bringing in some right mindedness with my determination to see things differently, and then receive a beautiful message from the Holy Spirit.

Me: I find that whenever I have a day when I don’t have to do anything at all it starts out really well, reading inspiring messages in the Course, then goes downhill with feeling lazy, unmotivated, guilty that all I want to do is lie around and read and listen to David Hoffmeister on YouTube but I’m not getting anything done. I feel depressed thinking about the things I need to, or should, do but don’t want to do, feeling like I’m wasting time, guilty that I’m not doing any art when I complain I don’t have time to do it, etc. etc. etc. What’s going on here? I’m guessing it’s the usual story of the ego trying to stop me from waking up but I need to be more specific. I want to bring this up so it can be healed. I resent having to do things in the world like changing my New York flight – I am strongly resisting doing it because I can’t face the hassle that I believe it will be. I get enough of that shit at work and don’t want to have to deal with it at home. I guess this is why people keep themselves busy, to stop this negative stuff coming up. But I believe that if I deal with it now it won’t take a car accident, cancer or worse to bring it up for release.

I am determined to see things differently. I am determined to see my ‘doing’ in the world differently. I am determined to see my emotions differently. I am determined to see my pain differently. I am determined to use my pain for good. I am determined to be thankful for my pain and to use it as a prompt to wake up.

This pain almost feels like depression. Am I angry at God because He won’t lift me out of this situation? He won’t rescue me. But this isn’t the case – He sent the Holy Spirit to rescue me but I’m not letting Him. I’m crazy – I want to be rescued but I won’t allow myself to be rescued. I’m afraid of being rescued. Everything I’ve been through will have been for nothing, I will lose all the learning and skills I’ve spent decades acquiring, I will lose Rick [my partner], I will never become anything – I will permanently be a nobody, I will lose all the beautiful things I’ve acquired, I won’t know who I am, I will never see a beautiful spring day again. I am equating waking up with dying and not existing anymore but I know that’s not how it works. David Hoffmeister can’t remember the last time he had a bad day.

HOLY SPIRIT: That’s what waking up will be like – joy, love and happiness – you won’t remember the bad days. It will be like every single good thing that’s ever happened wrapped up in a beautiful package and given to you as a gift from God himself. How could that be equated with death and not existing? You are actually dead right now but will awaken to find you did not die but live in a blessed state, the peace of which will far surpass anything you can possibly imagine. You will feel a love beyond imagining, pain will never again exist – you won’t even remember it, you will feel calm but supremely energetic, experiencing joy in your creations that will come into being through extending your love. Your Creator will shower you with love never ending and unconditional. If you choose you will be able to work with the ones still asleep, helping to gently and lovingly awaken them like I am gently and lovingly awakening you. This will be your joy as it is my joy. You do not need to prepare for this role – there is no need to do anything, there are no prerequisites. Just keep your eyes focussed on mine and don’t look down – just keep moving towards me – my footing is sure because I have trodden this path and now have all knowledge – use my knowledge – it is yours whenever and wherever you need it. You cannot fail because I did not fail and we are forever one – one together and one with our Father – a union which no man can tear asunder, ever.

Leave a Reply